Day 4: Firsts

For me, today was a day of firsts. While I have always cared for others and the issues of unfairness that was relevant to them, I never held a deep emotional feeling for the issues. I logically walked through the reasons that certain realities were unfair, but I successfully avoided an emotional entanglement.

 

Today was different. We began the day with an activity called “star power.” In this activity, we stepped through several rounds of bartering for chips. The result was communicated to us as the top three scoring individuals receiving prizes. Each round had rules. For the beginning two of three rounds, our facilitator provided the rules. After the first round, we sat with groups depending upon how many points we had. For the last round, the group with the highest overall scores was given the power to create their own rules for the bartering.

 

I was already beginning to feel frustrated shortly after the activity began. I worried, since I was receiving a low amount of points, that I was going to be in the least privileged group once again (see my previous blog entry). Ultimately, I did end up being in the lowest scoring group, referred to as the “triangles.” I was frustrated with the other players, who had sometimes lied to get more points, and the facilitator, merely because they were seemingly controlling the environment.

 

After a second round, I performed better, but I did not improve greatly. I remained in a frustrated place in my mind. I noticed that my team was becoming rowdy, joking about voting members (including myself) out of the team and wondering how we could “get back” at the other teams. I was frustrated with the team I belonged to, I was frustrated with the other groups performing better than us and lying to me, and I was frustrated with the facilitator who was making this all happen.

 

Then, the last round came. In this round, the group with consistently higher scores had the opportunity to create new “rules.” This group, known as the “squares,” communicated that the rules changed to only two, in which more freedom was allowed. In addition, we began with a switching activity including a mandatory trade of two chips.  We completed the round and circled up as a large group to process. During this time, we learnedthat the squares had radically shifted the values of the chips such that the chips previously worth the most were worth the least and vice versa. It is in this moment I felt anger.

 

You are probably wondering where the title, “firsts,” comes into play in this entry. Here it is. I have participated in many activities and simulations before, but I practically never become emotionally involved. In this moment, after the third round, I felt an anger in my stomach. It wasn’t necessarily directed at any specific persons or group, but I was angry because I felt cheated and lied to. Honesty is my top value, and any form of deceit is dishonesty. By not communicating the change in values, the entire group was put at a disadvantage of knowledge. As the activity came to a close and my trip group was needed to make lunch, I continued to sit in a place of anger. I wondered how it must be for a group to realize the imbalance of power and knowledge they face, not be able to compete against it, and then try to live a normal life, such as by making lunch.

 

There is another “first” for today. After lunch, we went on a historical tour of Memphis with a tour guide. During this tour, we traveled to the home of a man who helped slaves travel to freedom in the northern area. Listening to stories of the slaves, how they came to be enslaved, then how slave owners broke their spirits, I entered a place of shame and upset. These are emotions I typically reserve for other moments, and I rarely experience them regardless.  It was a first for me to become so incredibly emotionally attached to these issues. Of course, they have always been important, but I never connected so deeply.

 

In this day of firsts, I reflect on my previous blog entry. What is an experience? Do we need to experience similar realities to advocate? If we do, how do we do it? I felt I became closer to an answer today as I had a much stronger reaction to simulations and a tour than I ever had in the past. I find myself leaning towards a conclusion that connection to the people in completeness is impossible, but attempts to immerse yourself in the emotions can increase personal drive to find a solution to others’ problems.

 

This trip has challenged me to go beyond my emotional comfort zone, becoming angry and shameful for the actions of myself and others for the first time in these contexts. I still leave myself (and you) with a few questions, however. Is an emotional connect enough? How does one sustain a certain emotional connection to an issue so that disconnection becomes more difficult?

 

I look forward to further exploration on our final trip days and to reading your comments….